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Every time you listen, God kills a kitten
tbagwell@dc101.com 
So it was someones bright idea to let me have a podcast. Below you'll find the 4 latest slightly amusing calls to my show from people just like you (well maybe not like you). You can also click here to subscribe. I'm the  sensation in the crotch of DC! |
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7-Midnight Monday through Friday*
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Waist: 31 Hips: 31?
Height: 5' 11"
Bust: ...a move? Weight: 160 lbs (I try to only eat foods that, at least indirectly, cause a living thing to die) Birthplace: Deliverance, VA Ambitions: I would like to somehow contribute to world peace in a way that benefits me personally. Guilty Pleasures: I like those movies in which Death is a choreographer and starts offing people that he forgot to kill on a rollercoaster or bus accident or something. It's like watching Dancing With the Stars only, instead of doing the Foxtrot with Derek Jeter, Jenni Garth gets decapitated by a phone cord after her Ipod gets wet, causing a spark that lands in the grease that spilled on the floor when she was cooking turkey bacon, catching the kitchen on fire and melting the plastic on the outside of the phone cord while causing a backdraft that lassos the cord around her neck, then sucks it back into the kitchen along with her head. Turn-Ons: Folding laundry in my underwear with a sheepish grin, gratuitous nudity, women with low self-esteem Turnoffs: Women with designer breed dogs. They never accept you for who you are. So, unless you want to end up her designer breed boyfriend - a guy who has been neutered and manipulated into the perfect combination of everything that she wants - never date a woman who owns a Shitz-a-doodle or a Cock-a-poo or a Labra-cat. Date a woman who owns a mutt that she saved from the animal shelter.
Vices: Sex, drugs and Pringles
If I Had More Time I Would: …sit at home drinking Yoo-Hoo and thinking about how I really should put on pants at some point.
Next Risk I Want To Take: I'd like to go to a movie that I haven't read a review about yet.
TV: I'm a fan of The Office; I try not to miss The Daily Show; Entourage is enjoyable; Curb Your Enthusiasm has its moments; Flight of the Conchords grew on me like an STD. When I have a girlfriend, I enjoy pretending to like Grey's Anatomy, then at some point beginning to like it for real, only to be disgusted with myself after we break up and, out of bitterness and loneliness, choose to boycott it. Movies: Well, I'm a dude so I like Wedding Crashers, 40 Year Old Virgin, Fight Club, Almost Famous, Shaun of the Dead, Walk the Line, Dodgeball, Blood Diamond, Tremors, Slither, Training Day, Old School, American Werewolf in London, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Tombstone ...Oh, and if you haven't seen this movie, see it: True Romance. DO NOT judge it by it's title...it's anything but a chick flick. It's a little Tarantino-scripted gem that few have seen and it's BAD ASS. I wouldn't lie to you. The Christopher Walken/Dennis Hopper scene alone is worth buying the DVD. Plus, Gary Oldman plays a pimp, Val Kilmer plays an imaginary Elvis, Brad Pitt plays a stoner who stays baked the entire movie, Tony Soprano's head is set on fire and more people get shot than at the Source Awards. Oh and 2 words: Christian Slater...whatever happened to that guy?
Music: These artists reflect my varying moods and multiple personalities... Sometimes I'm a wimpy Emosexual who just wants to chill with my mocha frapp amongst the faint, hypnotic linger of Ryan Adams, Damien Rice, Jack Johnson, Cary Brothers, Joshua Radin, The Fray or Aqualung. At other times, I'm an angry, hyperactive beast who would like to avoid committing criminal acts by cranking some Say Anything, Against Me, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Deftones, GNR, STP, 3DG, Audioslave, Soundgarden, Foo Fighters, Puddle of Mudd or Seether (that's usually when I'm in a relationship). Then, there are the times when I'm a hybrid...a caged anemol (note the spelling with "emo" in the middle), which means I'm probably thinking about that one girl who teased me relentlessly but never let me worship inside the temple of her True Religions. Therefore, there is anger...but it is laced with sad wussiness. That's when I like to treat my ears to some Incubus, Our Lady Peace, Brand New, U2, White Stripes, Dashboard Confessional, Alkaline Trio, Silversun Pickups, The Spill Canvas, Deathcab For Cutie, The Used, 311, Muse, Beck, Blue October, Linkin Park or The Killers.
Pet Peeves: DC traffic; people that stand right beside you when there are 6 other urinals they could use; when you're looking at sexy pictures on the internet and your laptop keeps falling off (you might have to think about that one for a second)
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You gotta fight....
for your right... 
to...
DUGGA DUGGA
 
*Best if listened to while intoxicated
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Having - gasp - trouble - gasp - receiving - gasp - oxygen - gasp - may - gasp - collapse - gasp - but - gasp - by - gasp - all - gasp - means - gasp - ask - gasp - me - gasp - another - gasp - question...gasp
Thursday 08-21-2008 9:11am ET
3DGTM...
Tuesday 08-19-2008 5:27pm ET
For those of you who aren't "hip" enough to get it, that's "3 Days Grace: The Movie." It's only one night (Tuesday August 26th), but it will be showing at a theater near you. Of course, how near really depends on where you are. Follow this link to check out locations: http://www.thebiggerpicture.us/. Lenny Kravitz is NOT the new singer for Velvet Revolver
Monday 08-18-2008 4:48pm ET
The truth quotient of the rumor that Lenny Kravitz would be replacing Weiland as the lead singer of Velvet Revolver has plummeted from 38% to zero, if Kravitz's just-issued statement to Rolling Stone is to be believed. "I know and love the Velvet Revolver guys but there is no truth to the story about me joining their band," he told the magazine. Looks like bloggers everywhere will have this story to kick around for a little longer! But where will it go next?
*****start poll*****
Poll: Who should be the next rumored Velvet Revolver singer? *****end poll***** Ridiculously Retarded Album Cover of the Week
Thursday 08-14-2008 6:56pm ET
Actually, Whitney, it does look like...that thing that you said it didn't look like.
More people who should die...
Tuesday 08-12-2008 6:14pm ET
People who do this to their dogs... Observe the look of annoyance and extreme discomfort in his puppy dog eyes....the sense that, if he could, he would say the words "Please make this stop...this is bull****!"
 The only method of communicating with their owners that dogs possess is their facial expressions, since their tongues are incapable of forming words and they are not ambidextrous enough to shoot you the bird. They could bite you, but they are too loving for that...another reason you should not treat them like dogs. Actually, you should treat them like dogs...you know what I mean.
This one must be attending Elliot's Biker Bash this Sunday.
 Dogs don't need clothes. That's what the fur is there for! Doesn't it bother her that, when people see her, they always say Dumb bitch but they're not talking about the dog?
When guys say they like doggy style, this is not what they mean.
Poor little guy. Flannel pajamas are even hot on humans.
I saw a dog the other day that was shaved bald except for a little fur around its head because the owner wanted to it to be comfortable in the hot weather. That's love. The dog looked ridiculous, but he didn't care.
Don't be the girl that everyone hates. You know they don't like it; you're just doing it for your amusement because you're a miserable human being in constant need of distraction from your seratonin imbalance...which is why you got the dog in the first place. You needed something to look forward to when coming home to your otherwise lonely, joyless life. So don't torture the little bitch just because he or she can't always keep you from plunging back into your self-indulgent emo breakdown. Love him enough to let him be what he is. He's not a human; he's not a pig; he's not a ballerina; he's a freakin' dog. He just wants to eat, sleep and run around naked. And maybe to hump your leg every now and then. Consider this practice because, if you ever get a boyfriend, that's pretty much what he is going to want too.
Ridiculously Retarded Album Cover of the Week...ish
Wednesday 08-06-2008 4:58pm ET
 I've heard these guys' stuff. It's actually not bad. It's kind of like Rehab meets Kid Rock meets a fat man having an asthma attack meets two Amish men raping a mule.I thought Miley Cyrus was already a walking ad for abortion...
Thursday 07-31-2008 10:57pm ET
Condom Maker Offers Up $1M for Miley
(July 28) -- Miley Cyrus: teen pop sensation, actress, racy photo-taker ... condom spokesperson?
Lil' miss 'Hannah Montana' has reportedly been offered a cool $1 million by LifeStyles Condoms to be their rep aimed at getting teens to use their product, the Daily News reports. Ironically, the report comes on the same day that more saucy private photos of Cyrus hit the Web, this time showing the teen queen kissing and cuddling with an unidentified male. Hi, I'm Miley Cyrus and when I'm not making horrible TV shows or parading around half-naked for anyone with a camera and more than 10 bucks, I enjoy having sex at an inappropriately tender age. I know some of you don't approve, but that's what premature pubescent pop stars do. You may think I'm a slut. You may even be vomiting right now but, for me, being a prosti-tot is a way of life.
But don't worry; I'm not without a conscience. I know teenage girls idolize me to the point that they will mimic every slutty thing I do, so I want to make sure they are being safe.
After all, even a teeny-banger like me knows that I shouldn't be raising any spawn. If you want to be like Jamie Lynn, then buy a pack of Trojans...or you can use the brand that most toddlers recommend.
Lifestyles brand condoms - because you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't keep the country boy out of the girl.More people who should die...
Monday 07-28-2008 10:17pm ET
DOUCHEBAGS ON ICE!
 Is it bad that I want them to fall down and suffer fatal head injuries?
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© 2008